A life time experience at Paramanand Yoga
The transformation that I have experienced in barely two weeks here is so vast that it feels like it was two or three versions of myself ago that I arrived. To sum things up in words would hardly do it justice to the inner experiences that have taken place. I arrived in Indore so excited and confident and ready to delve into a full on yoga learning experience- something that has been calling to my heart for many years but I didn’t think I was capable of it in the past.
From day one, I have felt my practice grow deeper and even in the moments when I’m not in a trance-like meditation and it feels static, I am acting as witness rather than living only in actions of the body. What I mean by a deeper practice is that it has improved from being effort to effortless (at times) and that although my chatty mind still loves to pop up with thoughts, I can find peace and silence for longer periods of time in between each thought, or my ability towards one pointedness is more precise. It seems that all of the techniques that I’ve acquired from Vipassana, self practice and other meditation courses that I’ve taken have come together here at Paramanand. My meditations are a combination of all the seeds I’ve sowed in the past to work now.
There has been a huge release of sadness that I knew was there. And maybe still is, but in a different form- a less obstructive form. On the first day we did a small meditation and silent tears welled up in my eyes. I was so embarrassed and felt silly so I stopped myself and quickly wiped my eyes. I had no idea that day how dangerous this repression can be and that I was in for a surprise of seriously strong emotional relief. For several meditations in a row, both morning and evening, I had such a huge emotional release that I felt vacant inside and reborn like a baby. The vacancy was in a good way because I was lighter from a burden that I used to be holding on to. Unlike psychotherapy that I have done in the past, instead of talking about and analyzing a problem, the emotional burden is lifted in meditation without words. I could cry or scream and not about one specific thing, but about everything that I had been holding on to. From experience, it feels like the meditation technique is less tedious and more effective.
Sometimes I want to compare myself to the experiences that the rest of the class are sharing. A toxic thought like, “Why don’t I feel that?” “It would be cooler if that happened to me” or “They’re better at meditating than me” might come to my head but I know better than that and observe or push it to the side. PYS plus every theory and asana class tells us not to compare yourself to others. I don’t want to nor do I try to, but sometimes those evil thoughts come to mind. I can reason with them though because I myself have had powerful experiences and I know that words can’t properly articulate what happens in meditation so it is useless to compare. My sensations are different from others because I’m in a different body that reacts in its own unique way. It sounds so silly that I’d have that self doubt when I think about it rationally rather than the emotions of the false ego.
I have begun using these techniques and practices in my daily functioning life as well. Meditation hasn’t made me the grounded, decisive person that I’d like to be (is that attachment?), however when I find myself in a past or future thought while studying or hanging out I remind myself to come back to the moment. What I have found from this is a comfortability with myself because right now there is no sorrow. In a fake situation I make up in my head there might be, but that is not real.
I thought I had reached a plateau in the past day or two, but I’m realising that it is a whole new level that I was afraid to look at before and although my meditation abilities have developed strongly, there is even more resistance than before. It is because I am living with so so much fear in my life, I’m nearly drowning in it. My ego thought I was fearless- I travel, I take risks, I’m a confident woman with a free spirit- and although those things may be true it is on a lower, surface, object/body/senses level. As I have lifted the veils of sadness in earlier meditations, I’m now finding that there is so much fear between my body, mind and true self. Fear that I’m not good enough, fear of judgement, fear of the higher consciousness and an uncertainly in myself which means I’m not fully trusting the world and universe. I had no idea there was so much fear inside of me, but I am happy to have come to this point because I now know and it is something that I can work on and work with.
Thank you for hosting such a beautiful and powerful space here at Paramanand so that I could experience such a transformation and only half way through the program. There is not a day here where I am not eternally grateful to be here.
Paige Nowak (Ma Padma Anand)